Log in

epic fail

 I'm not happy at the moment
I've basically been told by my own mother that I won't be able to do what I want to study at uni
She says that I'm not the type of person that would be able to persevere and get through the 5 year course without giving up...coz I'm just not the 'type'
Its freaking great that my own mother doesn't believe that i have the potential to go into the career that i want
I don't want to be a teacher like my parents
I'm not the type to just give up just coz something is too hard
The only reason that I've dropped/stopped doing particular things in the past is mostly because my parents tell me to
For eg. Basketball in year 7, sure i was crap at it...but at least i tried
but no...after just one season they made me quit coz i was crap at it
As a matter of fact, i believe that they're just imposing their own let's-not-try-new-things-coz-its-too-hard spirit onto me
I like doing lots of things and trying new things
And I'm not the person who backs down from challenging things
This year i dropped french, yes coz it was hard n i was coming last, but also coz i had 13 units so it only seemed logical to drop my worst subject
But i haven't given up
Ever since dropping it i've continually thought about picking it up again in uni 
And now she's trying to defend herself by saying there's a difference between the 'type' of person i am and my 'potential'
In the end, its just a euphemism for saying I can't do it so i just shouldn't try
So what if i do it and then drop out...it doesn't necessarily mean that its a waste of time
I believe everything happens for a reason (even this stupid conversation with my mum)
And that God allows things to happen for a purpose...
so i do drop out...im more than 100% sure that there's a good reason, n it surely wouldn't be a waste of my time

Now I'm just really upset
Coz i've been having doubts already about my ability to get my desired atar without my parents adding to that by saying i can't do it
If i don't believe in myself at the moment, the least i could hope for is for my parents to have some faith in me
So now, i don't know what to do
I mean this could really just extend to my life in general...not just my current studies
What if they think i can't be a good person or something like that
Like i'm just going to go out there and be some evil soul floating around
I'm feeling a combination of anger and sadness
I can't believe this is happening 
But i'm thankful there's lj to at least vent about it, even if no one reads it
Its just good to let it out, i don't wanna bottle it all up :D

Well, that's it for now


No party

 Exactly that
See...right NOW is my friend's 18th very belated birthday party (mind you not a wild one :P)
And i wasn't allowed to go...coz my actual HSC exams are in like a month or so...
So my parents thought it better i stay home to 'study'
and guess what...i'm doing abso-bloody-lutely NOTHING
yes really...well nothing that may help in my exams
im pretty sure watching taylor swift's new music video for mine repeatedly is NOT going to help :P

so yea...thats what im doing now
and i've got a sore elbow...coz my brother thought it'd be funny to push me into a wall...
lesson learnt: it is NOT funny to push someone into a wall because you want them to play with you
gosh 9yos nowadays...so undisciplined

talking about undisciplined...i could also be described as such because i can't discipline myself into moving away from distractions and going to study instead
so far im doing well in keeping away from starting the new season of vampire diaries...
omgosh it looks soooo good...
katherine is back!!!!
i've estimated that i would've missed about 10 eps by the time i finish the hsc
that's really motivating me now atm
so i haven't read or watched any reviews about the premiere just yet
and i can't watch so many movies i wanna watch just yet
like 'tomorrow when the war began' and 'easy A' which is not out yet but will be soon this month

I'm also keeping myself away from the tv...
especially from GO! channel
it is the best channel...
vampire diaries and hellcats and the 3rd season of gossip girl (which is really behind since it's already done) are starting on monday night

wah wah wah
my life sucks atm
funny thing is imma read back on this later in the future and just laugh at myself...
no doubt i will have bigger and worse(er?) things to worry n cry about

oh wells thats my rant for now


Procrastination ftw

 Ok so I said i would post something everyday...but yea
that kinda failed...
so im sort of running by my new study timetable
but i'm still not doing as much work as i would like

but school work aside
listening to radio now n just heard the ad for 'tomorrow when the war began'
i wanna watch that
but i've heard from school people that its better if you read the books first
so i've asked my lil bro to borrow it for me from his school library...
can't find it at my tiny local library

i've been really increasing my intake of energy drinks...like v, red bull etc
its sooo not good for me
but idk...it makes me 'feel' like i'm doing work
whether or not it is is another completely irrelevant question :P

yesterday i painted my nails
for the first time in a long time
such a waste of time...especially coz im so rubbish at it
and coz for some reason...it never dries...
even an hr after...it still gets like these weird crease lines just from movement of my hand
like what?!?!
but speaking of yesterday....
father's day
made breakfast, gave the presents then church
my brother did a wonderful job of his solo performance at church
he is blessed with a lovely voice...unlike the rest of my family...although we like to believe we can sing :P

this post is a lil early on the timeslot on my 'study' timetable
coz i got bored of doing maths
yay for maths XD

haha im funny


I am depressed

LOL jks
Been so long since i updated even though i said i would keep a daily log of how horrible life is in yr 12
LOL jks again
its not horrible
it has just made me a depressed lil person

trials were as expected quite terrible...as were the results
but lets not go into this lil aspect of what's making me depressed
(actually its a huge part but life is to be lived right? :S)

no sadly over the weekend, like 5 days ago on sat
our family experienced a death...
of one of the baby pigeons 
*cue time to cry*
it was so sad....and the previous owners said it was probably coz the other baby was too strong and the little one couldn't fight for food
so naturally....the parents forgot to feed ti
like WTH!!!
what kind of parents forget to feed their kids...
actually i take that back...coz there are prob lots of crazy ppl/animals out there who aren't fit to be parents
not that im saying my pigeons aren't unfit (double negative!!) to be parents
yay for rambling

actually...i remember what i wanted to rant about
it is so subjective...and the markers never like my stories
and its not like essays where its like a part of you has been ripped out and trampled all over by middle-aged...people? idk couldn't find an appropriate word
but yea...it's the worst part of the english course...
because i put so much love and care and THOUGHT during train trips to school...
erghhh....n i don't even know exactly what these ppl want...
they're never specific...always just wishy-washy in their criteria using big words and whotnot

ok im good
made myself a hot chocolate...that was yum :D
but im super excited about muck up day that coming up soon
our group are going to dress up as WALLY from Where's Wally?
isn't that a fantanbulous idea...unfortunately i can take no credit
actually i can...coz it was my twin's idea...so her idea, my idea :D
*sigh* yea totally...i wish

oh which reminds me
need to remember to take my camera to school to take memories of school life 
just went through n saw other ppl's photos on fb
but i need to find it first...
my father, like the intelligent man he is (thats where i get my intelligence actually) put it "somewhere" to "protect" it
and now...he's forgotten where that "somewhere" is...i mean it could be anywhere!!
lol i love my family
they crack me up
my mum is being superly superly nice to me now
she is prepared to do anything for me now...yea i know...ANYTHING
lol...i wonder if she will do my hsc for me...

came home early today coz i felt sick...but i feel better now
i finished watching the last episode before the season break of make it or break it
love that show :D
the season break is till feb next year
which means sorta like no distractions
but then other shows are re-starting their seasons from their breaks...like vampire diaries in september
gosh i love that show
but i am sooo determined to hold it out until nov 2 :D
if i don't...i'll prob post my woe here anyways
n then i'll blame my failed hsc on that show 
nah i prob won't
but still

my fingers are tired from typing this LONG blog
but ranting is fun
i wrote up a study timetable...n i sorta included a mini break every night for me to post a blog here 
so if i follow that...ie. actually study...then a post shall be up on those nights :D
yay for studying
dinner calls




One to go...

 But that's unimportant (lol yes the exams that somewhat determine my future are unimportant :P )
Coz the pigeon eggs hatched!!!! (both of them)
so exciting :D
it's amazing watching the parent pigeons at work
i had a sniggly feeling a few days before that they might hatch...coz the daddy was looking for more sticks n branches
but srsly so exciting!!
We don't even need to do anything...just a lil extra food n water, n the parents just deal with it themselves
They're so clever

I think they're another great reminder about the wonderful world the Lord has blessed us with
I mean although you live the blessing everyday...it takes lil moments like these to remember that

Oh and RICE rally this saturday night
Can't wait
It's gonna be great!!!
And it will be like a way to celebrate the end of my trials :D

I was watching trashy tv just then
And i didn't realise how much drama there was in reality tv shows
So gripping...
I was watching the Bachelorette....and the bachelorette looking for love is down to the last 3 guys, and thinks she's just about to fall in love with this guy....
BUT he turns around n goes 'sorry, i like you alot but i still have feelings for my EX girlfriend'
The girl's gone and bonded well with this guy's family and EVERYTHING...and during the time travelling to Tahiti, he hops on over to Chicago and realises he's still in love his ex
He was leading her along for basically the entire season
And then they're both like crying their poor little eyes out...
I felt really sorry for the girl...she was obviously heartbroken, and was so angry, and kept periodically bursting into tears
That's love for you...
gosh i really dread that sort of thing, hope it doesn't happen to me :D

well, off to study ancient history


First day of Trials and I feel like...

 I'd like to say crap
Coz I do, but that was nothing a little....ok I lie, LOTS of food can't cure

So first day of the horrible dreaded trials
and my hopes of suddenly becoming absolutely amazing have all basically been DASHED
realised it takes heaps of work to be amazing, and even then it isn't for everyone

So after the 2 hr exam (in which I couldn't read the questions properly) i felt depressed 
so i went home, and ate lunch and some other unhealthy bits of food i could find
And now i sat down to write a practice essay, and coz im lazy and can't focus (oh look a plane flying overhead) i'm here to post an entry

it's been ages since i last posted an entry
and i need to rant and vent...so thats why im typing away
ok now i feel bad for procrastinating
i'll go now...and do THREE practice essays

ok one last rant
who in their right minds make teenagers write 3 essays in a mere 2 hr period
NO ONE is my answer, coz no one at the board of studies is in their right mind

ok i go now...must study :P


Pigeon laid an egg

Yes! omgosh...the pigeon actually just laid an egg
the owners said it would happen within a week...but we've only had them for like 3 days....
its quite a small egg as far as i could tell, n completely white n kinda pretty for an egg
so apparently we all have to stay away from the birds for awhile...especially the mother n her eggs
so we're just gonna let them be, and let nature do what it does best :D

i already broke my 'updating everyday' thing
i was too tired yesterday
and by the time i remembered...i was exhausted so i just went straight to bed

today was a pretty productive day :D
well that was after school
a couple of friends n i went to the state library to do about 1 1/2hrs of work
our brains just about died after that short period...
studying is sooo difficult
i don't know how others do it :P

but then after that...we had some dinner in the city n some lovely but expensive coffee 
then headed back to school 
it was a special night displaying all the creative things the yr 12s have been working on all year for their hsc
so....the art, music and drama
it was absolutely mind blowing
all of them were so talented...it makes me a teensy weensy bit jealous :P
but it was so lovely to see all their works, n seeing their performances
i got home late but i guess it was worth it :D

n just then i spent about 1/2 hr just brainstorming some ideas about belonging 
i don't mean to brag...but i think i've actually made some progress
it must be the coffee or something
so today has been more productive than any other day for the past 3 weeks...even the holidays 
oh the shame
but srsly my stress hit me hard today...so i guess that sorta motivated me?
idk i just hope i can keep it up for the next 3-4 months or so 
i don't want to finish off my 13 years of schooling with regret :(
that'd be really horrible...no matter how easily i could redirect future career paths 

so yea...hopefully everything works out relatively well 



 I'm currently trying to write my short story...
Its not going anywhere at the moment so i decided to post now
I had a pretty good day today
but due to waking up earlier than usual on a sunday morning i had a nap at about 7ish
so i guess you could say i'm a lil revitalised :P
but even then this short story is not writing itself...

I had maccas for dinner today
not pleasant at all...but my family were out looking for a cage to buy for our new pet pigeons
in the end we decided that my dad was just going to build one instead
some of the chicken coops were about $300-$400 
and even then you only get the pieces and you had to assemble it all together on your own

Church was great today :D
its always great to see everyone, especially when i only get to see them once a week :(
We had an awesome music jamming session after the service
and it was nice for all of us to just sit around n sing 
although it was funny when all us girls were trying to sing the extremely high parts of some songs :D

however today we studied a great verse from Ephesians 4.29
i think its a great reminder for me especially...seeing as i ranted a bit about a similar issue a few days ago
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others according to their need, that it may benefit those who listen."
What a wonderful reminder :D
it made my day i think

well i'm off to finish my story


White pigeons...perhaps doves

 Sooo....today my family got 2 white pigeons 
My mum and my brother got into talking with this couple who wanted to give away a couple of pigeons
so we went over to their house...
and now we have 2 pigeons...
they're very beautiful actually...not the usual black/grey pigeons...
they're this really clean white colour and they have this interesting bit to the back of their head...
its sort of like a cow lick but at the back of the head...rather than the front
weird i know...but trust me they're actually very cute

Not only did I get 2 new pets
i also bought some books today also
though admittedly it was for school...but they are still good books
I got 'The Great Gatsby' and 'The Outsider'
It's always nice when you buy things :D
that's my inner shopaholic talking 

hummm what else did i do today
oh...i only finished dinner and washed up about 20 mins ago
so i had a really late dinner today :P
its coz im lazy...so i only got something to eat after i was hungry enough for my body to move 

it's a short one today...been a chillaxed day...well most of it i think
im pretty chillaxed now despite not having completed any work today...but that shall change 2mr
hopefully....gosh i think i was a bit too ambitious this weekend in terms of school work
but thats ok...i need to push myself...trials are counting down...as is the hsc

wow that thought hasn't even ruined my relaxed mood 
that makes me happy...even more so :D
i think that may be because of the relaxing steady sound of the rain outside
even though i don't like the rain when i go out...
when it rains at night though it become very calming and tranquil
im not very eloquent with my words...but im too lazy to pull out a thesaurus :P

i need to wake up early for church tomorrow
8 is way too early for me on a weekend but i don't have my licence yet...
so when my parents needs to get to church earlier than usual for a choir practice...then so be it


I hate maths

 So, it's a friday, the last day of the school week
Woke up at 9 this morning, because I had a double free n coz i skipped assembly :P
naughty naughty me...but i value my sleep wayyy more than assembly
but i did get to school during the assembly so i didn't bother going onto school ground and decided to read in the huge grassy piece of land opposite school
it was nice, being by myself, sitting on a log reading my book for english 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' by John Fowles
the sun was full out and the warmth of it was amazing, and the sounds around me were comforting also
a lil bit of nature...mingled in with a backdrop of cars/transport rushing past
idk if im just weird...but i find moments like these extremely comforting and peaceful...
sometimes being away from ppl n being by yourself is a nice feeling 

school was ok i guess...i felt tired during class so i just ate biscuits to keep awake, which worked
oh i got my nails painted this dark red by my friends...im not sure if i like it though
its a bit too dark for my liking but there are gold shimmery undertones which is nice in the light
usually i prefer really bright, pastel-ly coloured nail polish
so you wouldn't find me with black nails...ever

oh funny thing....someone put their chair too close to the heater in one of the maths classrooms, which melted the back of it
causing the ENTIRE corridor to smell of burnt rubber/plastic
it was not nice at all...but the funny thing is that we never seem to learn, this has happened on multiple occasions :P

the reason the subject is 'maths' is because i had a 2 hr maths tutor lesson tonight
it was srsly painful n tiring...circular motion is confusing...and science-y idk why i decided to do maths...
oh no i do...what a stupid reason though
but anyways...because of this lesson, it meant i missed out on watching inception with my friends :(
idk what they think of it yet...but the report will most probably be about how 'amazing, and (insert synonyms here)...'
they've been waiting ages to see this...

oh i felt horrible today...for a portion of it at least
ok so sometimes i feel like a bitch...coz i spend HEAPS of time with particular ppl...just by chance
n sometimes things they do really annoy (note. stealing is wrong) 
but everyone else don't seem to spend as much time with said person, so everyone just thinks im the bitch
coz everyone else is like 'but they're soo lovely etc' n makes me feel like the evil one
and don't get me wrong...they are lovely, but when you spend more time with them than others n things happen in certain scenarios you cant help but be slightly annoyed at them

so now ppl think I'M the bitch, and the unreasonable one
1. shut your mouth
2. life is difficult n complicated but thats why its called 'life'

so that's my rant...and funny things is...
this is not the first time its happened...its happened with a couple of other ppl too
i obviously haven't learnt my lesson
idk why...but somehow i always attract ppl that annoy me...
n by some cruel twist of fate...i spend a lot of time with them...
but don't get me wrong...i'm not a bitch to their face, its just some little thing ticks me off
n funnily enough i still get along well with them...but just...
*sigh* see what i mean by life being complicated

let me re-iterate
i'm not a bitch

all nasty things aside
some nice things
tylerwardmusic on youtube is what is nice...
actually not just 'nice' but absolutely fantastic and amazing
such a talented group of musicans
tyler ward's and his crew's covers are just amazing (though mind you he did alot taylor swift covers and i LOVE her so that might be a reason too)
n the originals he writes are also fantabulous
the one i really like atm is called 'airliner'
i do believe its available on itunes
so yea
youtube is my bestie...how sad is my life :P

anyways....to do list still no ticks
no exercise today...unless you count a 15min walk

wow what a long entry....im in a ranty mood before i head off to bed