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everything? i guess...

 yea...haven't posted in a while
well it feels like that
coz i haven't vented about life (ie. hsc coz the hsc is my life)

had my maths exam today
yes it is extension 2...so its meant to be 'hard'
but not being able to do half the paper is just ridiculous
i'm not even exaggerating when i say i couldn't HALF the paper
i really hope i pass...
my mum blames it on the fact that its a 3hr exam n that i was hungry...
i like to believe that too...but i know the truth is that i'm just a failure at maths
i dont event know why i decided to do extension TWO
who cares about scaling...if i do shite scalings not gonna do much for me
i feel guilty coz i do believe i just brought down my whole school cohort for this subject 
i'm sorry :( 
n its so annoying coz during the exam i was just humming or maybe it was in my head katy perry's whole album
like i had to make my own mental ipod in my head to get through that exam...i hope i didn't actually hum out loud...that would be embarrassing
n then after the exam i just had this massively pounding headache
like maybs a stress headache or something
so ridiculous
then had a big box of greasy and salty chips with my twin (who's just my friend but we're sorta like twins :P really no joke) 
but still pounding headache....had a smoothie
that was yum...n relieved my pain a bit but when i was finished it, headache came back
so i got home, slept, ate chocolate
then had maths tutor again
almost over

i'm sick of talking about school
i'm going to rant about job interviews
so i got an interview for a job
n so it was just in a conference room in a hotel, n there are like 10 or so tables of interviewees
n each table is assigned a leader who just watches you talk about stuff then makes the final cut
ok so for this company, they tend to overhire for xmas casuals so everyone tends to only get 3 shifts for the entire time...
so had i gotten it i wouldn't have wanted it anyways
BUT its the rejection that kills man
so since they overhire, like basically the WHOLE room got hired except like less than 10 ppl
n i was in the freaking minority
so my table had 6 interviewees
n only 2 made it...so 4 of us were rejected
like i'm not going to be bitchy or anything...but the observation is basically this - the two that got hired were white
so i'm just thinking that the leader person was just really biased coz thats just pure bs
i mean srsly
like, i'm not going to say that i was really good or anything, but the others who didn't get it were good
idk what she (the leader) was thinking....
it just sucks when you waste 2 hrs on a stupid interview filling out unnecessary forms only to be told that you haven't made it
n i hate feeling like the one of 10/80 ppl who didn't make it
it makes you feel like crap...n with all this hsc thing...its just another pile on my downhill self esteem
its increasing speed rolling down the hill...n its gonna crash n burn...CRASH N BURN I SAY


gonna move one now...coz that was like 3 days ago
just needed to vent it out on here
silly me

let's see
pet update?
yea i think so
lil baby is growing up so fast, got these white down (not quite feathers) growing
and JB is growing up...yea i decided to call it JB
still don't know what sex it is though unfortunately...apparently its still too young to tell
but there's like this weird thing going on now
the parents are like super mean to JB
they're always like pecking JB when he's 'in the way' but he just really wants to eat food
n they just don't like having JB around...its sad
idk if its normal behaviour for pigeons to do that to their 2 month old babies...but
its sad to see...
n i wish i could comfort JB...but its scared of me
its now old enough to be afraid of humans
so once exams are over
im going to start working on gaining their trust...ALL of them
coz i think i've made some reasonably progress with Fonzy (my rabbit)
he now anticipates after he's eaten that i will give him a headrub or scratch his ears 
he really likes it...i'm surprised at how easy it is to gain his trust...
just gonna work at it


time to sleepy
thought i was gonna have a shot at writing a po-mo short story
but its too hard...i have no ideas...n i'm just not textually dynamic i guess
sad..i know
i said i wouldn't talk about school anymore
but its just a lingering thing in my head ALL THE TIME




that's what i want to do right now
i just want to give up on my hsc already...
but i know part of me is not gonna let that happen
so now i'm just stuck in this in-between limbo
to study or not to study (2B :P)

i don't want to give up now...i don't have much longer to go
just 3 wks...maybs less
13 years of schooling, so i don't really want to give up in the last 3 wks
it would sorta suck ya know

the day after i've got my ancient history exam
its my best subject...but i'm still not all that good at it
what i mean is that i would like to be doing better 
i've still got a day left...but there is actually just too much to study for me to not be stressed about lost time
there is just soooo much content
n i feel tired already
i had 9 hrs of sleep last night, n all day i felt so tired
yea...lack of sleep n i'm crazy, too much n i'm tired
so annoying D:

now i regret not taking a nap in the arvo so i'd be awake now

decisions decisions
sleep now or stay up to make up for some study??


Writer's Block: MAKE IT STOP!

What was the last song you couldn't get out of your head no matter how hard you tried?

E.T. by Katy Perry

I don't know, its just been on repeat on my ipod n in my head all day
its just really catchy!!
I proceeded to listen to the rest of her album in the attempt to try n get this song out of my head
I must say that Katy Perry is now one of my favourite artists (but no one could replace Taylor Swift in my heart)
unfortunately this song is still stuck in my head 

Moving on

 to bigger and better things
in the hopes that i will study over these next 3 weeks n hopefully ace them all :D

yea right...
today was pretty horrid
there weren't any big surprises in terms of the paper...they didn't like ask for something other than essays
so that was good
what wasn't good was me

the night before
totally stressing right...as previous post obviously tells
i drank V in the arvo
then i couldn't sleep at night
i had wanted to go to sleep at 10 so i'd get enough rest hopefully
but noooo
damn body just wouldn't, so im just lying there like an idiot with so much thoughts of the exams going through my head
i'm absolutely getting no sleep coz my brain is working at like 1000km/hr when i want to go to sleep, but when i wanted it to work it didn't
so i had a horrible night of 'sleep' if you can even call it that

get to school
n i have a freaking brain freeze in the middle of the exam
like wth?!?!

all that stressing...leads me to nothing
thats the lesson today folks
don't stress coz it will get you nowhere
well don't stress too much...like you just wanna scream n shout [like you just don't care] jks nah

onto other things...
bloody parent pigeons flew back to their old owner's home again yesterday
the only thing i did was clean out their cage...ya know so they're more comfy
i didn't even touch their baby (who btw is doing well :D)
so they just flew away
abandoning not only their new born but their other baby who's about 2 months old?

obviously parents were too busy to go drive there, and get them back
so the poor little baby was starving, so i had to handfeed him/her
it was hard...but i got the hang of it
it wasn't afraid of me which made it easier, 
i think it thought my fingers were the beaks of the parents, so it like kept poking it and then it'd open it mouth wide so i could stuff food into it
its really fascinating...animals i mean
i would love to work with animals for the rest of my life
but i don't think i could handle being a vet...what with having to handle injured animals or putting them down
my parents say i could totally be a zoo keeper, coz i said i wanted a snow leopard or lion or tiger as a pet :D
which let me say would be AWESOME!!!!! 

idk...my future seems a bit uncertain atm
let's hope i can pull myself together n do well in the rest of my exams 

oh wait...one thing
the other 2 month old baby is currently called 'baby'
so i was thinking of calling it justin bieber (like 'baby baby baby ohh')
n just JB for short...coz we still don't know its gender :P

will go collect the two parents tonight 
n maybe find out the sex of baby :D

 I'm so stressed at the moment
I'm very unprepared for my exam 2mr
3 essays in 2 hours
i think im going to die
and its my HSC!!! dammit

I was even this unprepared for trials...n i did badly then
so this is my actual hsc...n im so unprepared

n a person is bloody stating the obvious that i'm basically screwed for the exam 2mr
thx friend
*breathes deeply*
ok so they prob didn't do it on purpose

but now i'm just more stressed
i really want to work solidly...but my brain doesn't want to
and neither do my hands/fingers
i tried actually writing, like handwriting coz thats what its going to be like in the exam, n i just couldnt
i'm too used to typing
*stress more*

ok just needed vent, and just do some really fast paced thinking for a bit coz my brain refuses to think fast when im trying to write an essay


In 12 hours

 I will be sitting in my school hall
starting my HSC
the actual thing
13 years of schooling have led up to this very moment in time

i'm stressed
i'm nervous
i'm unprepared
and everyone's just telling me to do my best
but like what if i don't do my best

cause i'm capable of doing reasonably well if i just stuck my bum up n just worked
but i'm lazy
so stuff like that doesnt happen

i'm afraid that i might disappoint my parents
or that i'll disappoint myself coz i didn't get into the course that i wanted to do

i feel tired already

there's not much more to say tbh
that's it

i might update on my pigeons actually
i can't remember when, i think like last week
the two eggs hatched!!!
it was wonderful
got a few photos
then unexpectedly, one of them just died
so now there's only one baby baby pigeon left

the other baby pigeon can now fly
still a bit shaky sometimes...not quite up to the gliding through the sky thing yet
but its still very beautiful
nov 2nd
n i'm going to name them

i'm off



 to the END
some people are calling it doomsday
i like to say its the end of a new beginning
my optimistic thinking is not gonna get me anywhere in life
my 'stress' is just leading to more procrastination
even my fail of the trials isn't doing anything to motivate me
honestly...i can't believe i screwed up economics
of all my subjects...economics...
i don't mean ace it...but at least do decently 
now my rank is crap...n my school mark is crap too
i think its the most disappointing of all the trial exams
even failing maths didn't depress me as much

i haven't updated anything lately coz i've just forgotten
n when i have remembered i just couldn't be bothered
but i realise this is a good de-stress once in a while

actually i'm really annoyed atm at something really stupid
when i go on youtube (clearly to procrastinate) when i wanna pause the vid to like go get some food or something i click on the actual video itself, but sometimes it lags on me so i click it again coz it hasn't paused but then it expands to fit the screen
so then i get this huge, mega blurry thing cover my entire screen hurting my eyes
so trivial but so annoying

oh n whats also annoying is when you talk to someone n its a total nice n normal conversation 
but everytime you talk about something that other person ALWAYS has to dispute your opinion or whatever is it
like gosh dude...can i have my own opinion?
i know you know lots of stuff...but i know stuff too....
so stop trying to lay all your knowledge, which i know you don't try to make it come across as superior, all over what i think
you're not always right ok?
honestly, you have your opinions n your ways of doing things
i have mine
no one in the situation is right...but there's no one way of doing things
thats what life is about...different paths, different things to do
so srsly stop it

erghh its getting on my nerves
im not sure if its intentional...but i hate it when ppl just try to seem like their ways of thinking is more superior n they say it in such a way that gives you no space to back off n say 'yea you like that, i like this'
they just pile it all over you
i cant handle it

also very trivial 
this is what the hsc is doing to me
im getting worked up about the littlest things

taking a breather
and moving on to better things
the baby pigeon...now no longer a 'baby' can FLY!!!
its so exciting :D
but its so annoying
everytime i open the door of their lil pigeon house it always wants to fly out...n straight out which is right into my face!!!
i'm still not sure what sex it is...but it takes some features of its mother
idk how to check the sex of a bird...not planning on being a vet one day
though i hear its good money?
too many animal lovers in developed countries :P

its nearing midnight
i'm in the middle of writing a short story about not belonging 
but i may give up...continue 2mr maybe

The end of a new beginning

 Tomorrow marks the day when I officially leave high school
Thirteen years of schooling have led to this one moment (ok well actually its prob the hsc)
So, graduation is tomorrow, as is the yr 12 luncheon after that (semi-formal dress code which is absolutely ridiculous)
And my parents aren't coming...as expected...have to work 
But today was a fun day
It was the Breakfast day in which we got to school at 7 to have breakfast together in our PJs followed by a movie - She's the Man
Luckily, i was driven to school, the first time in my high school life so that was pretty exciting
My dad spent the whole time worrying that there would a traffic jam...
so it was just him going....'oh no' every time we stopped coz there were red lights up ahead
He's a funny man my dad is....i love him

Anyways, we received our yearbooks today n i still need to get lots of ppl to sign it etc...
all the cliched stuff...maybe sometimes mixed in with an in joke
We also got the letters that we wrote to ourselves in yr 7 to be opened now
And omgosh
i was an absolute mess
Before i had said that i hadn't had any reactions about school ending...well no tears at least
And i got the letter, and i was taking photos of what it looked like before i opened it n i was still just normal and excited
then i opened it, and when i unfolded n just read the first word
I just lost it
i don't even know how...it was so sudden...
my vision was all blurred n my eyes were stinging like hell
and gee....it really hit me
the letter itself was pretty funny...
i had some pretty high expectations of myself back then
i actually wrote something along the lines of - 'i hope you're tall now, and you're good-looking n pimple-free'
all of which...well let's just say were a bit wishful thinking
im definitely not tall....to be honest i think im actually the same height i was back in yr 7
oh n also...
i wrote that 'i hope you don't have a boyfriend, and especially not from the boy school, EWW!!! and if you do he better not be from that school'
so well...i guess that much hasn't changed...
no boyfriend...n i still think the boys are gross...well just from their school....

gosh today i truly understood the meaning of 'waves of sadness'
coz really this strong emotion actually hits you in a way that feels like waves or tides hitting the shore
it overwhelms you for a moment...then it goes back out to sea and then with the movement of the moon...it just comes rushing back n hits you over the head again....repeatedly
erghh its annoying
its even distracting me from work
this sadness has made fb one of the ways to relieve it
so its constantly open...n then i can see when ppl are updating photos etc
makes me feel connected....
when i walk away...i feels weird n i have to come back straight away
the internet is like my best friend
it helps me in some sense....but also brings me down in others

talking about the moon....
its like moon festival day today...
i've forgotten what its actually called 
but yea...eating moon cake coz its a full moon etc etc
im not a big fan of cake...so its not really my thing, but i had a bite n that's enough for me

hmmm...let's see
perhaps i should list down things i'll miss or i won't

Things i'll miss
 - i think the daily routine of it all, like getting up at the same time n not worrying about clothes n just putting on my uniform
 - definitely the friends i've made, like i hope i will stay in touch with everyone, but i know realistically its probz not possible
 - the fun times at school...
 - the overall experience there, n just knowing you belong to a place that you go to everyday
 - certainty of the next day...i guess i'm a lil bit scared of the change

Things i won't miss
- the workload, like i know uni is prob gonna be worse but srsly too much work for me to handle thats just constant everyday
- waking up early in the morning, even after 13 years, i'm still not used to waking up at 7 which is why im usually late to school...well the past tense actually...i WAS late...wahh

Actually there are some other things too that i won't miss
The competitiveness of the school, and the focus of study n good marks
I think leaving that bubble would be good n just meeting ppl outside of the regular circle who think similarly to you n your family 
well....here i was going to rant onto a slightly bitchy thing
but i don't think i'll do that coz:
1. i cbb
2. its bitchy n i dont like being bitchy...though in fact i didn't start it

there are some certain aspects that i'll be glad to leave behind...n hopefully won't have to deal with on a daily basis, i think i'm just sick of it (just that aspect) n i think it'd be good to just move on n just breathe for a bit

so yea...i think this is really long
but i needed to get it out...i just feel like i need to document all my emotions, and just simple events of my life
that letter really brought it all out
so thats why this is here....its the tech savvy way of doing it these days :P
i bet there are e-diaries ( as in personal diaries/journals)

i'm getting tired n hungry
i cooked dinner tonight but it looked really gross to me, so i didn't eat dinner basically n now im hungry
but the rest of family ate it...so idk...weird...
gonna go find proper food to eat rather than just apple juice
nighty night


Overwhelmed with emotion

I'm starting to feel really sad for the end of high school...n 13 years of schooling
I didn't even feel sad on friday when we had our last ever assembly (muck up was fun :D)
The last ever full week of my schooling life...n I didn't even react
The muck up assembly was so much fun...although i sorta just stood at the back n hid coz i didn't know what was going on :P
And the pick for the graduation song was sooo good
'At the beginning' from Anastasia...haven't watched that movie in so long
Shall do that AFTER the hsc
as is alot of stuff that plan to do 

I'm starting to get really stressed now...like my atar estimate is crap n i have less than a month to really bring it up possibly
And I'm scared that there isn't enough time to do everything
And maths is being sooo freaking difficult
The past papers are like impossible!!!

omgosh so much to do
i really hope i can do well
if not for my getting into a good uni course, but at least for my own self esteem 

moving onto other news
the pigeons laid another egg this
like....errr what the?
the baby pigeon is still only 2 months old, 
i mean its big, but its not like adult size at all yet
pigeons just keep breeding...might have to give some away 
its not fun if there are too many of them, no matter how pretty n white they look :D

onto my rabbit Fonzy
he's my lil baby...ok well he's not little, he's quite big/fat
i may feed him too much
but he's so beautiful...n up until these last few weeks i thought he just hated me even though i've had him for more than a year
so today, i was petting him and for the first time he seemed to actually react
i was petting his head, n he sorta just dipped his head n half closed his eyes, then he started making this weird sound like he was grinding his teeth softly
i was like um...thats just odd
so i googled 'ways pet rabbits show affection' and after a bit of searching i found out that its actually a sound of contentment!!!
i was soooo happy/ecstatic/thrilled
n i think from reading though articles about rabbit behaviour he actually has some trust in me :D
so im really happy
the other day, when i let him out in the backyard to run around n when i had walked away n walked back he actually came bounding towards me (i'm gonna assume excitedly) to sniff me 
isn't that cool?
well i think it's awesome
so, im just really glad that my love for him is somewhat reciprocated :D

the thought of Fonzy always makes me happy, so now i don't feel as sad about leaving high school
although, back on the subject
graduation is on thurs
my brother made a really good point the other day
that it was really silly that we graduated from high school even before our final exams, in which we still did AT SCHOOL
but i guess formalities are just that...formalities
the next few days are gonna be emotional i think
so hopefully i'll remember to take LOTS of pictures for memories
coz as much as memories are to be treasured, they may not last
n i think photos last a bit longer, at least physically :P
so yea

that's that
shall go to sleep now
get my rest so i can study (erghh so sick of that word)


epic fail continued

still upset
but you know whats the worst things about it all
just before i had an amazing study of 1 n a half hrs and i was totally getting pumped to study and ace for the hsc, just to be cut down so quickly
my little bubble of happiness and satisfaction hadn't even lasted 2 hrs

not happy

not even gonna bother signing off, im that pissed off